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My Miscarriage Story,
Followed by Advice on Dealing with a Miscarriage and a Pregnancy Following a Loss.
After my husband and I had been married for 5 years, we finally agreed that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. To our surprise, I got a positive pregnancy test after the first month! WHAT?! All of that time being afraid of the “what ifs” of endometriosis and I was pregnant! I was so excited. But at that moment, I had no idea that I’d soon be dealing with a miscarriage.
However, I knew several friends that started to bleed and had miscarried before their 8-week ultrasound. But, I was throwing up all the time and had no bleeding. So, I assumed those were good signs and that I was in the clear when I reached 8 weeks.
My husband and I went to our 8-week ultrasound and they went over payment plans and gave me a book with pregnancy information as we waited for our ultrasound…
It was time for the ultrasound and the picture of the gestational sac was on the screen in front of us.
- But I saw nothing inside it.
- I heard nothing.
- There was no heart beating sound.
I was so confused: I had positive pregnancy tests, I was throwing up, I hadn’t been bleeding! Where is our baby? The nurse said the doctor would come to talk to me in a minute.
My OBGYN came in and the first thing I said was “is something wrong?” and she said yes. How quickly the joy went to heartbreak. She told me it was called a blighted ovum. It is when the gestational sac forms but an embryo never develops or stops developing. There is no known cause.
Dilation and Curettage
The doctor suggested I have a D&C to remove the gestational sac or the alternative was to take a pill for my body to miscarry without surgery. I chose surgery. She took the pregnancy information book (since I’d no longer be needing it) and told me she was sorry.
The days leading up to the surgery, I was so angry. My body still thought it was pregnant. I was throwing up several times a day even though there was no baby. It felt like my body was being cruel to me.
I was angry. I felt alone and isolated. Getting on social media and seeing other pregnancy announcements made me jealous. I hated being around other pregnant friends and hearing about their healthy pregnancies when that’s what I desired. Emotionally, I was in such a horrible place. I had turned away from my friends, my husband, and most importantly, the Lord.
We tried month after month to get pregnant again and I was heartbroken each time I saw a negative pregnancy test. I felt pretty defeated. I was taking the ovulation tests and doing all the crazy things it says to do on the internet to try to get pregnant.
Then, one month I told my husband that I didn’t want to watch the calendar for ovulation days or take the ovulation tests. I just wanted a month where we didn’t think about it. And wouldn’t you know? That’s the month I got another positive pregnancy test.
However, going through having a blighted ovum, had taken the joy out of a positive pregnancy test.
When I have a positive pregnancy test, I now know that it could mean nothing. Looking back, I wish we would have celebrated. I wish we would have been excited. Instead it was a waiting game to see if it was real.
When I was pregnant with my son, I spent weeks leading up to the ultrasound not allowing myself to be excited because I didn’t want to “become attached” to a baby that may not be there. Once I heard his heartbeat and saw him, I felt relief. But the relief faded, I fell back into the fear that something else would go wrong. It was a cycle throughout my entire pregnancy. Relief at a doctor’s appointment when I found out all was well, followed by fear again until the next appointment.
I wasn’t able to enjoy my pregnancy because I was trying not to get attached to that precious boy in my stomach in case I would be dealing with another miscarriage. I was trying to protect myself from pain. What a horrible way to live and I robbed myself of that precious time of having my son inside me. Please learn from my mistakes. What did living in fear accomplish?
3 things I wish I had done when Dealing with a Miscarriage & a Pregnancy Following the Loss:
Talk to Someone
- I wish I would have told people about my miscarriage. Instead of hiding it like a dirty secret, please let your friends, husband, counselor, anyone walk through this with you. There is freedom in saying out loud how you feel and sharing the weight of what you are carrying emotionally.
- Celebrate if you are pregnant following a loss! Celebrate and choose joy any day the Lord had given life inside of you, instead of living in fear. Even if the next pregnancy ends in loss, try to be happy for the time you have. The fear in the waiting will take over if you don’t.
- Of course it’s okay to be sad and mourn your previous loss, as well as being upset in the time you aren’t pregnant. However, do not live in that sadness. Instead choose to be joyful. Try to choose joy for those pregnant around you. It is okay to be sad for your loss but to also be happy for others.
Turn Towards Jesus
- Most importantly, turn towards the Lord instead of away from Him. You may feel angry and not want to go to church, to pray, to read the Bible. But, please talk to other believers!
- How differently this season of my life could be! Bring your pain and fear and lay them at the feet of Jesus. If anyone can understand the pain of losing a child, wouldn’t it be God when he gave up his son for us?
If you are dealing with miscarriage, infertility, the loss of a child, I am so sorry for your pain. Please don’t close yourself off. I am so thankful that I have my son now but remember when I was dealing with loss, without a child to hold on to.
No matter your situation, please reach out to those around you so you are not trying to walk through this alone. Don’t be embarrassed to go to counseling either! Please feel free to reach out to me too! Leave a comment or email me at [email protected]